Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
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