My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
Ants in your plants.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
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