I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
"You had me at merlot."
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Make it rein.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
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