What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
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