Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
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