Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
I'm snow bored.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
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