Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
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