Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
Snow on and snow forth.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Long thyme no see.
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
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