My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
I love you berry much.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
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