My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
You are un-beer-lievable!
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
Calm before the score
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