What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
I love you from my head tomatoes.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
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