Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
Eddie edited it.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
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