"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
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