What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Books are my kind of texts.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
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