Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
This vacation has been sand-sational!
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
Yoda one for me!
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
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