Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
"I mead more wine."
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Give me some pigskin
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
I’m feelin’ green.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
You shamrock my world.
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