Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
Look for a rainbow connection.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
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