Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Best in snow.
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
You sleigh me.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
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