Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
Irish I had better jokes.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
Irish you luck.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
I like you a latte.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
I whale always love you.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
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