"You're the wine that I want."
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
Best in snow.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
We've reached the point of snow return.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
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