What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
I beacha miss summer already!
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
You snooze. You booze.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
I dig you a hole lot.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
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