A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
"You're a real good egg."
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
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