Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
A round of Santa-plause, please.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
It’s worth a shot.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
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