Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Dublin over in laughter.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
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