The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
"You bake me crazy."
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
I’m browsing the winter-net.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
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