Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
Witch you were here.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
You are shrimply the best!
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
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