What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
I couldn't chair less!
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
You have a pizza my heart.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
I loaf you.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
I'm pine-ing for you.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
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