Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
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What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
"Aloe you vera much."
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
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