A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
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