What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
qwsedrftgyhujikolpawesdrtfgyhujikloaszxdcrfvgtbhnjmk,lazsxdcfvgsedtfrgyftg67y78u87u8uii9op[;'';;'/;l/l;.l.k,lkmjkmertyudfghjk12q21q2qw3qwe3we4r45rt6ygerdgfvbwedfcv qwedfscv
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
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