I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
Goat milk?
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
I’m elf-taught.
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