What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Some bunny loves you.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
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