A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
I love you from my head tomatoes.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
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