Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Treat yo shelves.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
Don't fork-get your manners.
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
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