What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
"You had me at merlot."
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
I love you meow and forever.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
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