What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
Leaf me alone.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
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