Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
I pitcher us together forever.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
"I'm nuts about you."
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
You're the ruler of my heart.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
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