What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
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