Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
This summer is going swimmingly.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
I beacha miss summer already!
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
We bee-long together.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
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