All farts...are laughing gas.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
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