I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
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