What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
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