I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
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