My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
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