I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
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