We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
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