If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
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