I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
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