I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
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