What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
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