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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
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