I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
"Bugs and hisses."
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
"Lazy bones."
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
You’re my heartthrob.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
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