"No body won the skeleton race."
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
"Dying to have fun."
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
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