Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
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