What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
"Some people have no guts."
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
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