I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
I have a heart-on for you.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
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